The Twisted Guide To The Unexplained, Each Uisge Edition
Each Uisge
Sarcastic Addendum, Because Scottish Lochs Were Too Tempting Without a Horse Demon That Looks Like a Perfect Ride Until It Turns Your Skin Into Glue and Your Day Into a Very Wet Funeral
The Each Uisge. Scotland’s most deceptive dating app on four legs.
A magnificent, glossy black horse standing quietly by a loch or river, mane shining like it just stepped out of a shampoo commercial, muscles rippling, eyes soft and inviting, basically every teenage girl’s dream pony. Until you climb on and discover the hard way that this isn’t a horse. It’s a water horse demon who has been waiting centuries for someone brave, bored, or catastrophically trusting enough to accept a suspiciously perfect mount next to very deep water.
In Gaelic folklore the Each Uisge, pronounced “ach ooshka,” is the nastier, more handsome cousin of the kelpie. Where the kelpie sticks to rivers and fords, the Each Uisge prefers deep lochs and sea lochs, places where the water is black enough to hide secrets and cold enough to keep them.
It appears as the most beautiful horse you have ever seen. Jet black coat that gleams even in weak sunlight. Powerful build. Calm, almost affectionate demeanour. Often grazing alone near the shore like it has been waiting specifically for you.
No saddle. No bridle. No owner in sight. Just temptation with hooves.
Here is where things take a turn.
You approach. You stroke its neck. It feels warm and solid and reassuring. You climb on bareback because it feels natural, effortless, cinematic.
Then your legs stick.
The skin becomes adhesive. Your hands cannot pull free. Your thighs lock against its sides like they have been superglued. The horse senses the panic and gives a low, satisfied sound that is definitely not a normal equine noise. More like water gurgling down a drain.
And then it walks calmly into the loch.
Deeper.
Deeper.
Until the water closes over your head.
The Each Uisge does not simply drown you and call it a day.
It drags you to its underwater lair, usually a deep hollow or cave in the loch bed. There it reveals its true nature, sharp teeth, monstrous strength, and a complete lack of sympathy.
It eats you.
Everything except the liver.
The liver floats back to the surface later as a kind of calling card. A grotesque little buoy that says, politely, “another satisfied customer.”
Families in the old stories often knew what had happened when they found a lone liver bobbing near the shore. No body. No explanation needed.
Scottish folklore does not sugar coat it.
A young man sees the horse grazing near a loch and thinks he has found a free ride home. He mounts it. It enters the water. A week later his liver is found floating near the reeds.
In another tale, a group of children climb onto a beautiful black horse for fun. One manages to escape by cutting through his clothing with a knife before the skin fully adheres. The rest vanish beneath the surface.
The survivor later describes the creature laughing as it sank.
Horses should not laugh.
Sceptics, the “it was just a tragic drowning accident” crowd, point out that Highland ponies roam freely and that lochs are deep, cold, and unforgiving. Wet horsehair can feel sticky. Panic can make limbs feel trapped. Bodies in water decompose in ways that leave certain organs intact longer than others.
No fossils of adhesive demon horses. No preserved magical hides. No underwater lairs discovered by divers.
Just centuries of very clear advice disguised as a monster story.
Do not trust strange animals by deep water.
The Each Uisge survives in folklore because it is brutally honest.
It does not chase you across the moors. It does not roar. It does not threaten.
It simply stands there looking perfect and waits for you to make the first mistake.
In a land of cold lochs, unpredictable weather, and hard lessons, the Each Uisge is less a monster and more a warning with hooves.
If it looks too good to be true by the water, it probably is.
And it definitely does not come with a refund policy.
Never Mount a Free Horse by the Loch
Though if a glossy black stallion with flawless manners is standing alone by deep water, perhaps keep walking and pretend you are late for tea. The Each Uisge does not offer trial periods. It offers permanent subscriptions.
Each Uisge Survival Tips
Each Uisge survival tips for Scottish loch walkers, pony enthusiasts, and anyone who hates sticky situations.
If a horse looks too beautiful to be real beside deep water, assume it is not real in the comforting sense of the word. Real horses do not pose like supermodels waiting for you to climb aboard.
Never ride bareback near a loch. If the skin starts to feel sticky, cut your losses, literally, before the glue sets.
Carry a sharp knife. Not to fight the horse, but to free yourself from your clothing when you realise you have just become part of the upholstery
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